I tend to be a fairly calm-tempered person, but I am also a self-admitted control freak. I live out of spreadsheets and organized plans. If you ask me what I will be doing a year from now, I can probably give you a fairly accurate assessment.

When plans change, my feathers get a bit ruffled. But with me, it’s more than just being bothered. I tend to feel rage and usually, it’s completely unwarranted, and I can’t seem to explain why. Admittedly, I internalize a lot of it, so most people don’t see, but my husband can probably attest to how something as simple as a change in dinner plans can set me off in a fairly negative way.

Over the years, I have learned to try and control my emotions a bit better (says the control freak), and now I am pretty successful at reigning it back in before the explosion happens. And I’m laughing a bit writing this because “explosions” probably don’t mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I have a “mouse personality” when it comes to anger. I’m a quiet person. My explosions usually include something like huffing and puffing about or going to my room and shutting everyone out. Sometimes I may instigate an argument just for the sake of being able to let out a little steam. But I’ve gotten better. I can count backward from ten and feel okay again. Okay, it’s not really that simple, but if I can catch myself before I get out of control with it, I do pretty well.

What Does Anger Do to Me?

When I am feeling emotions of anger, I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I can’t focus, can’t think straight, and it physically and emotionally drains my energy. There is no worse feeling in the world to me than when I hold myself back from joy and success simply because I chose to give in to anger instead of controlling it.

It also puts a wedge between my husband and me. My husband is really remarkable at communication. He can talk to me about anything, and many times will try to make me see where I am looking at something from the wrong perspective. That doesn’t play out well in his favor sometimes. In fact, many times it fuels the anger, and I don’t know whether he sees it or even knows why it happens, if he does. Anger isn’t rational to me, and logic does not prevail when I can’t find logic in it. Trying to get me to see a different perspective when I’m angry, I feel like I respond like a toddler. And that’s my fault. I need to catch it before the anger sets in, or I’m lost.

But I must admit, my life lately seems to be poking and prodding me into feeling bits of anger more often than usual. And some of the poking has been directed at things I am highly passionate about. If you read my last article about chasing after greatness, you will know what those passions are. The things I am passionate about are the hardest situations for me to control my anger about.

A Particularly Trying Time

The past few weeks have been especially difficult and may even have made my anger more pronounced. I have been incredibly ill. I went to urgent care once and the emergency room about a week later (which happened to be last night). Last night’s ER visit was a very scary allergic reaction to medication that I had been on for ten days, and at one point, I found myself wondering, Is this how I go? As I laze around today resting in bed, I was inspired to write this blog while this feeling was fresh in my mind because this whole illness I think is part of what has been setting me off lately but today my head is clear of work, finances, and even my family, so I want to get this written before my 5 minutes of peace slip away from me.

My husband, Jamie, and I very rarely argue. We never raise our voices. Sometimes, we have heated discussions, even when we agree, but we never speak in anger to each other, and we never yell. But the past couple of weeks, my anger got the best of me. Mostly due to how passionate I am about what we argued about (it’s usually the kids when it’s strong opinions). And let’s be honest, being sick makes everything ten times worse.

The Power of Choice in Anger

Anger is about choices. I always try to make my choices and responses in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling like I am stuck in a situation that I can’t solve or at least come up with an acceptable compromise. When I am aware that anger is driving my words and reactions, I immediately want to step back, look at the problem with an open and clear mind, and find the solution fast. I am not someone who likes to let anger or a problem linger. That can sometimes backfire when you are also someone who needs to think about things before you say them, for fear of setting your life on fire.

But what do you do when you feel like it’s an ongoing, lingering problem, and you have no options and no choices in solving or even addressing the situation? You know what the right thing to do is, and how to fix it, but it’s out of your control. Out of control is something I struggle with.

Learning to Let Go

After sitting with my anger for some time, and after many conversations with God this week and some much-needed cooldown time, I’ve come to realize that it’s not my job to solve every problem or situation. Not for my husband, not for my kids, not even for myself. It’s my job to be there for my family, to love them, and to do what I can that is within my control to keep my family in alignment with each other.

I can hear Elsa whispering in my ear right now: Let it go.

It is actually a proactive choice to do nothing in some cases. Sometimes, God will just tell you that it will work itself out, or it won’t, but either way, there’s nothing you can do about it. Even if the outcome isn’t a positive one, you have to leave it in His hands.

I’ve always hated the term wash my hands of it, but I find myself using that phrase quite often lately. And I have to say, it’s hurting my heart less to say it when it happens time and time again. I think it’s due to this new path I want to go down. I am striving for greatness and I’ve decided that good enough is no longer good enough for me.

Choosing Greatness Over Anger

I will continue to press on and continue to encourage greatness in all of my passions, my words, and my actions. And the biggest lesson I am taking away from how to achieve greatness in my family is this: sometimes, greatness comes in choosing to do nothing.

I can’t ever seem to speak about a life lesson without referencing something from Little Women, and there is a great line that I absolutely love and am trying so hard to follow. It’s when Jo’s mother is talking to her about the anger she has for her sister and she says: My dear, don’t let the sun go down upon your anger. Forgive each other, help each other, and begin again tomorrow.

So, I’m choosing peace. I’m choosing to wash my hands of it when I need to. I’m choosing to let things be what they are, even when my instincts tell me to fix everything. I am choosing not to let the sun go down upon my anger, and instead will be there when I’m needed as God intends for me to be. Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to let go and allow life to unfold as it’s meant to.

Let it go. Stop hanging on to it, or anger will always control you…and your greatness.